Christmas Eve

Empty hallways
Open doors
The obnoxious silence
Tickles my ears
The still air hangs over my head
as I lay in bed,
alone..

 I try to amuse myself
Distract my mind from succumbing to its thoughts,
But solitude has become an interesting companion.
It’s there when I want it,
And remains when I try to shoo it away.
Like a leech it feeds off me,
While I try to convince myself that what we have is symbiotic

 Loneliness has its beauty
A calming quiet nature
Sometimes life gets a little too loud
I find myself lost in the rhythm of others ideologies,
Confused by their noisy banter
So yes,
Solitude is awesome,
But I fear that I have become too used to this peace
That I have lost the ability to share this space.
So I chase others away when they get too close,
But yearn for their company when they are far away
And so the silence taunts me
As I wait in quiet anguish for some sort of sign
A knock on my door,
A text,
A call,
But I wait in vain.
My eyes get heavy
My body gets tired
My hands hurt, as my elbows dig into my mattress
While I try to prop myself up and type this poem

 I slowly enter a state of slumber,
First the yawning,
Then the sigh, as my toes rub against my bed sheet
In a slow circular rhythm
I tuck them into my blanket
And feel the cold cloth graze my skin
My eyes shut
I am enveloped by the darkness
Welcomed by sweet dreams
And the silence fades away…

Wise Ones

Pure chemistry
Our bodies entwined
Our lust explodes
We shield our emotions
Only display pure attraction
No hearts involved
Pure pink matter
Feelings stay absolute
Like pure unadulterated vodka
We drink to passion
On the rocks

...

Once in a while we imagine it might be more
But we are too comfortable in our current states
Don’t want to disrupt the tide
Steady motions
Ignore the nagging voices
The ones that tell us we are worth more than just our physical selves.

...

Thinking about that makes things complex
We start to ask for more,
To want more
But we fear disappointment
Have phobia for rejection
Our belief in our own inadequacy keeps us lagging behind
Losing to our insecurity
We are covered with doubts of who we truly are
So we stick to lust.
It is easy
Doesn’t ask for much
Shields us from pain,
Hurt,
Rejection.

...

Happy with just being okay,
Well, maybe not happy
But somewhat content
A contentment that is fueled by mistrusting our own abilities
They say we sell ourselves short
But what if we don’t even really know what we are worth.

...

To sell ourselves short,
We must have some previous knowledge of where we stand.
If we lack that,
Then we are just selling ourselves at the price of our assumed worth
And if we never know our true value
We never yearn for more
We are never hurt.

...

So let’s celebrate mediocrity
Have a party for just being okay
At least we are better than some.

...

Like lukewarm water
Our emotions never find a side
They exist right between living and not living at all
So we stay stranded
As we mock people in love
And feel pity for those heartbroken
We are the wise ones
The ones who never fell…

Overthink

I’m scared about what is happening
I’m falling
I don’t know when this started
But it’s been for a while
I just chose to ignore it
 

Now it clouds my mind
Interferes with my thoughts
Being lucid ceases to be an option
But I kind of want to get lost in this
I want to see where we go
What will happen
If this works out…..

 
I have a hard time letting go
Just gliding with the clouds
I’m not that kind of person
I like to know what happens
Uncertainty makes me nervous
Being spontaneous is not one of my many attributes
I tend to overthink,
Over analyze,
Imagine what could be
Before it even happens
And I fear that this will stop whatever might occur between us
…

I want to trust you
But you are too much of my type
And I know that type all too well
Or maybe I think I do
Maybe this will be different,
Maybe not
The question is whether or not I will let myself find out
 I’m scared I won’t
And then I’ll be left with the nagging question of “what if”

 
It’s like I am at a crossroad
And I can go in a direction I know very well,
One that I usually take

Or…

I can delve into the unknown
Give myself up,
Explore the undiscovered regions of my life
I’m a big believer in fate and destiny
But sometimes we need to determine our own fate
Take charge of our lives
But is it the right time
Here I am again
Overthinking this…..