Self-Love

Have you ever thought about singing to yourself? Not in the creepy bathroom singing way. No, not that. But singing a love song to yourself. Weird right?

So the other day I was listening to Sam Smith, I think the name of the song was “make it to me.” And I realized something very interesting, I was externalizing the emotion. I was thinking about someone else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little bit of fantasy once in a while, maybe a Trey Songs dream cameo…lol.. but what I realized was, every time I would sing about love and emotions I never was the subject. It was always someone else. So one day, after reading a willow smith interview..lol ( I decided to get deep with myself) like to hell with it, I am going to sing to myself. To be honest it was quite weird at first, imagining myself as the subject, well really weird and at one point I thought I would either become crazy or like schizophrenic. But after a while it stuck, it began to make sense. It is okay to love yourself. We live in a world where everyone gives selfishness a bad rap, like it’s a direct ticket to hell. However, I am from a different school of thought –think Aryn Rand (but not as extreme). I think everyone deserves to experience love from their own mind. How do you know how to properly love another person if you can’t love yourself, now I am not talking about lust.. That’s a different story for another day. But ask yourself, do you really appreciate who you are and what you bring into the world. Do you appreciate your existence?

Woman

Woman

Like an albatross that comes in conjunction with the birth of a vagina

Mother-hood is the be and end all of all femininity

It is the final point of full self-actualization for the female race

For whatever we do

We must not do too efficiently

Lest it pushes us away from our societally indoctrinated focal point

So when we work

It is just enough that we are seen as hardworking

But not too much, that we come off as masculine

Or lose any feminine attributes

Because a woman without a husband and children obviously gave up her right to being referred

To as one by choosing such an untraditional path

The life of society rests on our head

So we carry this burden to replenish this same society that mistreats us

Whether or not we really want to

We are women before we are human

So any aspirations and personal goals we feel inclined to run after

Need to wait

Must wait

For they come secondary to our uterus

Vagina supreme

Not so supreme that it has much power over anyone other than the carrier

it serves the role of a lord that anatomically exists within a pauper

This lord governs no land

But as everyone is aware he exists

Society determines the life of this pauper

On the basis of being a powerless lord

But a lord all the same

So we as women, our vaginas exist

Like this lord

Revered but fully judged, controlled and restrained

For it is for our own good

We do not want people to think we are less of lords than we truly are

Even though we are

So vaginas act as our personal town criers

Going ahead of us to inform people of our true nature

Some are able to harness this ‘power’ to their benefit

For others the ‘power’ lost vs. benefit gained is abysmal

Most are on the losing end

I talk about power not because I fully believe in it

But because I understand it has to exist

For every form of oppression there must be some revolting force

Whether mentally or physically

Only the truly broken fully bend over in surrender

So we create or find this power

As our way of fighting back

The concept of the Amazonian woman

One who is able to fully actualize this power comes to mind

But of course society has deemed her manly and brutish

For no woman can truly exist, while reaching her full potential and still be womanly

Now I am not in any way beating on the concept of traditional female roles

If that is what the woman truly wants, then so be it

But my question is

How can we know?

Is this really who you wanted to be when you were five or six, when the world told you could do whatever and be whoever before it changed its mind.

Or have you been beaten into submission

And if it really is who you wanted to be

Do you think that way because it was what you were told you could be

Because yes, we are all broken and indoctrinated in one form or the other

But it makes me wonder how close we all get to our true form,

If that true form exists

Or, if it is another fallacy created by society

to give us some solace in this highly unfair world.

Sabrina Néne Coleman

Virginity as the bane of the female existence

“Did you know that when I married your mother, she was a virgin?”  So, I was walking past my t.v. and I heard this and had to do a double take. What? Now I wasn’t surprised at this because I think virgins are needles in a haystack or anything absurd like that. I had to do a double take because I’m like how can you judge the quality of an individual by whether or not they have a hymen. Really! I think what really got me was the image of a woman nodding in her head in agreement of this illusion of self-worth. Bonjour a tous, welcome to the fucked up reality in which we exist. Now I have got a couple issues with the aforementioned situation, firstly how backward and juvenile it is to judge an individual based on whether or not they have a hymen, and why this concept of virginity is the bane of the female existence. I will try not to digress too much. Anyways back to the issue.

How can you? and what right do you have to judge a woman’s character based on whether or not she has a hymen. Really, well for those of you that didn’t really listen in biology class a hymen is that little piece of skin, or whatever, that rips when a women is “disvirgined,” (I actually don’t agree with the use of the word disvirgined because it tends to denote that something has been lost)

 I think I would be more okay with it if it was used in the same way on both sides or carried the same weight. Anyways, yeah so you have sex for the first time, you lose that little skin and then you are on your way to sexual deviancy! Voila! So easy.  Now my problem with this is, how can you tell if I am a good person, or even a serial killer who will scoop your eyes out, by whether or not I have a hymen; I know very sexual virgins and very prude non virgins. I know girls that only have anal, because they want to “protect their virginity,” or girls that would do anything but have vaginal sex because “they are keeping it for their husbands.”  Really? And I am not saying there is anything wrong with being sexually expressive, apart from the possibility that you will burn in hell, along with those judging you #party! I just don’t understand why being a virgin is given so much power in our society. Because I have found that a nice amount of people, in this fun and highly backward country of Nigeria feel the need to do this to a lot of women. They assume that once a woman “loses” her virginity, she is somehow less clean or pure; and for me, if that is what you want to believe that could be okay, but it has to apply to both sexes. We exist in a world where it is okay for a guy to be sexually expressive but it is a no-no for a woman. A guy I was dating once said in the most chauvinistic air possible, that “if a key opens many locks, it is a master key and if a lock gets opened by many keys it is a bad lock.” This was the point I really started to doubt the relationship. Why is my vagina a lock? And do you really think your penis is a key? It was absurd.

I’m digressing, anyhoo…My problem is, what gives a man the right to tell me or any other women whether or not we are clean. Especially if that man is one of those who probably changes girls like he changes his boxers. And why do we as women let them perpetuate that bullshit. And this, ladies and gentlemen brings me to the second point.

Virginity as the bane of the female existence. Imagine if there was no such this as being a virgin, or at least there was no way to know. That’d be weird right, how would you be able to tell if someone was a slut or a pure untouched flower. Well I dunno, unfortunately that is not the world we live in. The problem with virginity is not so much that it exists; it is that we as women give it so much power, and it is that power that the men use against us. That is why you see people with an air of arrogance proclaim “ I am still a virgin,” at that point I usually want to be like whoopty-do you did not have sex, do you want a medal or a high-five? Yes, we live in an overly sexualized world, but really I don’t think it is that big of a deal. And because we as women constantly push this message that our virgin status somehow supersedes who are, men the dogs that they are, feel that need to capitalize on this.

And we let them, because for some of us it is a sense of pride, a pride that we have grown up with, a pride that is closely tied to who we are as individuals and we don’t want to let the cursed privilege free. We want to hold on to it for as long as we can benefit from it. So while we are still virgins we smile when people complement our strength and self-preservation and once we lose that skin, we scream and cry out injustice about the thing we once held so dear. So in the end we build ourselves up to be torn down, and then we complain.

I think I love you

I think I love you,

There, I said it

It scares me

I’ve tried to run away

To push you back

But you never leave

That’s why I think I love you

 

I wake up most mornings and wonder what you are doing

If you are thinking about me too

I smile when I think of the time we have spent together

And hope in my heart I get to see you again

 

You are the only one I want to be with

Ever

I was quite shocked when I figured that out too

I’m okay with giving up the power

Giving you control over my emotions

Because deep in my heart I believe that you love me too much to hurt me

The same way I think I love you

 

It’s sometimes really hard for me to say things like this

Because I feel like if I bare my all

You will walk away from what we have

Riddled by my own insecurities

Controlled by my fear of pain

 

I want to let that all go

I want you in my life

You and only you

I sometimes think about the fact that I could spend the rest of my life with you

By your side

In your life

And it makes me happy

 

The thought of us together

The image of you next to me

As I lay in your arms

Brings a warmth to my soul

You are my soul mate

The only one for me

So maybe I don’t think I love you

I know that I do

And I always will.

Illusion Vs. Reality

It starts out like an illusion

You see what you wish

What your mind wants you to see

What you hope deep in your mind

You view no ill

Pay no mind to bad attributes

Until they being to scratch the surface of the beautiful exterior your mind has created

Then the worry begins

You think about the time invested

The moments spent

And wonder

Was it all worth it?

A chilling thought crosses your mind

As you imagine what you have ignored

The fantasy is dead

You try and try to resuscitate it

But it is long gone

As its spirit is lifted from its body

It sees you holding on to its earthly form and laughs

It mocks you

Mocks your naivety

Your ignorance

Your stupidity

It whispers

“you knew what I was”

But you chose to pay no mind

And as you hear it

As you listen

The love dipped veil drops from your eyes

Your soul awakens to the monster this fantasy really is

The monster you have embraced

Loved

Cherished

And adored

But it is hard to let go

You are scared to go out into the world vulnerable and broken

You cannot let anyone see your scars

Let alone imagine the pain your ignorance brought you

So you cling onto the fantasy

As it claws into your skin

You embrace the scratches and bruises

Become one with the pain

The bleeding serves as a testament of your strong will

Your inability to be shaken in the face of immense danger

The bleeding never stops

It drains you

Sores permanently open

So you bleed

Till you can bleed no more

Finally it is done

And you become a shell of your original self

Short

Pure chemistry

Our bodies entwined

Our lust explodes

We shield our emotions

Only display pure attraction

Not hearts involved

Pure pink matter

Feelings stay absolute

Like pure unadulterated vodka

We drink to passion

On the rocks

 

Once in a while we imagine it might be more

But we are too comfortable in our current states

Don’t want to disrupt the tide

Steady motions

Ignore the nagging voices

The ones that tells us we are worth more than just our physical selves

Thinking about that makes things complex

We start to ask for more

To want more

But we fear that we might be let down

Our belief in our own inadequacies  keeps us lagging behind

We lose to our own insecurity

Covered with doubts of who we truly are

So we stick to lust

It is easy

Doesn’t ask for much

Shields us from pain

Hurt

Rejection

 

Happy with just being okay

Well maybe not happy

But somewhat content

A contentment that is fueled by mistrusting our own abilities

They say we sell ourselves short

But what if we don’t even really know what we are worth

To sell ourselves short

We must have some previous knowledge of where we stand

If we lack that

Then we are just selling ourselves at the price of our assumed self-worth

And if we never know our true value

We are never hurt

Are we?.....

Art

Art is the purest form of expression

It is the ability to confront yourself

The courage analyze your identity

And the strength to express the struggle within.

 

Art is life

The sadness

The joy

The pain

Human nature at its finest

An exposure of the gritty beauty within, and without

A breakdown of our reality

It is our vision of the world

Our image of who we are,

What we stand for

And the bias that surrounds this view

It is the ability to appreciate happiness

While respecting the truthfulness of pain

Art is why I embrace my depression

Because tears are sometimes the key to lucidity