Someone like you - Adele (cover)

Interesting

For how much of a pessimist I am...this is the perfect horoscope reading

Phobia

I feel lost,
I’m looking for direction.
What was college for?
I spent 4 years of my life learning “how to think,”
And have come into a world where that thought process seems to have lost its relevance


It’s like I have all these things I can do,
All these directions I could go in,
But I don’t know which one is right.
Maybe I should just take the plunge,
Jump in.
Immerse myself in the unknown,
But I’m too much of a planner for that
I have to know what comes next.
What is lurking around the corner?
But I guess life doesn’t work that way
Well I don’t really like the way it works


It feels like everyone else has figured out what they want to do
Everyone is making all these life choices
Having all these experiences
And I am a lonely bystander
Sitting out on the game
I can’t participate because I don’t know what postion to play
So I wait


I want to wake up in the morning
And get a burst of energy
One that lets me know exactly what I should be doing
I talk to people
And they say stuff like
“oh I always knew I was going to do this”
Really?
It’s that easy


Wait…


So what is wrong with me?
Why am I so confused?
Why can’t I seem to find my own direction?
What is up with all this uncertainty?

Seriously…


They say when life throws you lemons
Make lemonade
Well I’m kinda tired of the citrusy flavor I get every time I open my mouth
I would like some water
My hands hurt from squeezing these lemons
My nostrils squint like eyes
As they try to repel the scent
My throat closes as I take another gulp of it
My body shudders as my taste buds get stung by the sour flavor


Granted life isn’t all that bad
But my lack of satisfaction keeps me up at night
Because I am scared I might be mediocre for the rest of my life
Just okay,
Never really making a difference
Be one of the billions of people existing on this planet
Mediocrity might be good for some
But I was always taught to dream
I was never told that adulthood had a way of killing some of those dreams
That reality had a way of smacking you in the face
That at some point I would have to wake up
And smell the dying roses
I was never told

Vow

Today I decided to take a vow of celibacy
I will start with the month of January
Then see how far I can get


Why?

 
Well, I feel like i make a lot of bad decisions when it comes to guys
And then I end up feeling underappreciated
Without realizing that I let them treat me that way
Too scared to ask for more
To demand respect

So I am going to try something different
Make them work
Learn to understand myself
What I want
What I need
Be true to who I am
Respect my body

Now I am not saying there is anything at all wrong with sex
Human beings are sexual by nature
We enjoy being touched
The sense of pleasure
The feeling of being wanted
But I believe I begun to use that feeling as a crutch
As way to protect myself
Without realizing that I was causing more harm than good

There is a deep unsettling feeling
One you get when you start talking to a guy
And you know he is only thinking about one thing
But you go along with it
Because you want to evade the loneliness
But you don’t realize that once he is gone
That loneliness will creep back in
And you end up sitting face to face
Watch it taunt you
But then you find another guy
For the meantime....

So this is what I am going to do
I am going to take sex completely off the table
And if I am not interesting enough
Then I guess that sucks for me

There will be guys that will try to stick it out
Just to get there
I might fall for it
I might wisen up
But i won't know until i try

I’ll update you
On my mistakes
My successes
And the other random stuff along the way

Tired

I’m tired
As I get off the bed and look at my mistakes
Exhausted,
As I see myself walk the same path.
I keep on making the same choices
expecting a different outcome
It’s madness.

I’m tired
Of giving a shit,
Of trying to make things work,
Of always being the one to compromise.
It’s weakening to always be on the losing team,
To feel like every decision you make leads down the same route.
I am stuck in a rut,
And you just revel in my discomfort;
But I am too scared to leave,
So I keep on coming back.
I tell myself the exhaustion is the price I pay for your attention
To have you act like you give a shit
I’m just tired.

I feel drained
But I don’t see a way out
Without leaving a bit of myself behind.
It is so hard to explain the feeling I get when I’m with you
It’s a mixture of joy and fear,
Joy for being in your presence
But the fear that you will eventually leave

I think I need to go into seclusion

Be one with myself.
Understand why I am making these decisions
Get to the root of my mishaps
It’s not you,
It is definitely me.
Because you treat me the way I have set myself up to be treated
You string me along,
Like a stupid puppet
I wait…

 I’m tired of caring
I try to occupy myself with things,
Do little activities.
But as soon as you need me,
I’m there
I leave everything else behind
I don’t even turn around to wave goodbye
Too preoccupied with the attention you give me.

I’m tired of putting my life on hold for you
Of hiding my bruises
To prevent your discomfort
So I’m just gonna let it all out
Love or leave me
Want me
Or get the fuck outta here