Phobia

I feel lost,
I’m looking for direction.
What was college for?
I spent 4 years of my life learning “how to think,”
And have come into a world where that thought process seems to have lost its relevance


It’s like I have all these things I can do,
All these directions I could go in,
But I don’t know which one is right.
Maybe I should just take the plunge,
Jump in.
Immerse myself in the unknown,
But I’m too much of a planner for that
I have to know what comes next.
What is lurking around the corner?
But I guess life doesn’t work that way
Well I don’t really like the way it works


It feels like everyone else has figured out what they want to do
Everyone is making all these life choices
Having all these experiences
And I am a lonely bystander
Sitting out on the game
I can’t participate because I don’t know what postion to play
So I wait


I want to wake up in the morning
And get a burst of energy
One that lets me know exactly what I should be doing
I talk to people
And they say stuff like
“oh I always knew I was going to do this”
Really?
It’s that easy


Wait…


So what is wrong with me?
Why am I so confused?
Why can’t I seem to find my own direction?
What is up with all this uncertainty?

Seriously…


They say when life throws you lemons
Make lemonade
Well I’m kinda tired of the citrusy flavor I get every time I open my mouth
I would like some water
My hands hurt from squeezing these lemons
My nostrils squint like eyes
As they try to repel the scent
My throat closes as I take another gulp of it
My body shudders as my taste buds get stung by the sour flavor


Granted life isn’t all that bad
But my lack of satisfaction keeps me up at night
Because I am scared I might be mediocre for the rest of my life
Just okay,
Never really making a difference
Be one of the billions of people existing on this planet
Mediocrity might be good for some
But I was always taught to dream
I was never told that adulthood had a way of killing some of those dreams
That reality had a way of smacking you in the face
That at some point I would have to wake up
And smell the dying roses
I was never told