Why I don't write

I don't write a lot because I am closed off
Closed off from everyone around me
I shut down my emotions
Pretend they don't exist
Why?
Because I don't want to be weak
To feel less than I am.

Showing emotions pokes holes in my cynical attitude
Baring my somewhat romantic nature
The more human side of me emerges
Pushing away the rigid exterior I fought so hard to project.

Being human-like opens me up to hurt
It lets me feel pain
I don't like pain.

Actually, I detest pain
I don't understand it
I never have.

The deeper the pain
The more destructive it is
Shredding the core fibre of my being
Like a chainsaw on overdrive.

That is why I don't write.

When I write,
I keep it to myself
Like a chronological diary of my every emotion,
Every fear
Every experience
Because I care
Of what people see,
what they think
But I have lost the need to care
To cover myself under the tent of "self-protection"
To hide a nature that defines me

So what if people see the emotions that lurk beneath
They are people just like me
Or maybe unlike me
They feel
They love
They hurt
To feign a lack of these emotions,
is to feign the lack of human-nature.

So maybe I do write,
Sometimes.