Christmas Eve

Empty hallways
Open doors
The obnoxious silence
Tickles my ears
The still air hangs over my head
as I lay in bed,
alone..

 I try to amuse myself
Distract my mind from succumbing to its thoughts,
But solitude has become an interesting companion.
It’s there when I want it,
And remains when I try to shoo it away.
Like a leech it feeds off me,
While I try to convince myself that what we have is symbiotic

 Loneliness has its beauty
A calming quiet nature
Sometimes life gets a little too loud
I find myself lost in the rhythm of others ideologies,
Confused by their noisy banter
So yes,
Solitude is awesome,
But I fear that I have become too used to this peace
That I have lost the ability to share this space.
So I chase others away when they get too close,
But yearn for their company when they are far away
And so the silence taunts me
As I wait in quiet anguish for some sort of sign
A knock on my door,
A text,
A call,
But I wait in vain.
My eyes get heavy
My body gets tired
My hands hurt, as my elbows dig into my mattress
While I try to prop myself up and type this poem

 I slowly enter a state of slumber,
First the yawning,
Then the sigh, as my toes rub against my bed sheet
In a slow circular rhythm
I tuck them into my blanket
And feel the cold cloth graze my skin
My eyes shut
I am enveloped by the darkness
Welcomed by sweet dreams
And the silence fades away…

Wise Ones

Pure chemistry
Our bodies entwined
Our lust explodes
We shield our emotions
Only display pure attraction
No hearts involved
Pure pink matter
Feelings stay absolute
Like pure unadulterated vodka
We drink to passion
On the rocks

...

Once in a while we imagine it might be more
But we are too comfortable in our current states
Don’t want to disrupt the tide
Steady motions
Ignore the nagging voices
The ones that tell us we are worth more than just our physical selves.

...

Thinking about that makes things complex
We start to ask for more,
To want more
But we fear disappointment
Have phobia for rejection
Our belief in our own inadequacy keeps us lagging behind
Losing to our insecurity
We are covered with doubts of who we truly are
So we stick to lust.
It is easy
Doesn’t ask for much
Shields us from pain,
Hurt,
Rejection.

...

Happy with just being okay,
Well, maybe not happy
But somewhat content
A contentment that is fueled by mistrusting our own abilities
They say we sell ourselves short
But what if we don’t even really know what we are worth.

...

To sell ourselves short,
We must have some previous knowledge of where we stand.
If we lack that,
Then we are just selling ourselves at the price of our assumed worth
And if we never know our true value
We never yearn for more
We are never hurt.

...

So let’s celebrate mediocrity
Have a party for just being okay
At least we are better than some.

...

Like lukewarm water
Our emotions never find a side
They exist right between living and not living at all
So we stay stranded
As we mock people in love
And feel pity for those heartbroken
We are the wise ones
The ones who never fell…

Overthink

I’m scared about what is happening
I’m falling
I don’t know when this started
But it’s been for a while
I just chose to ignore it
 

Now it clouds my mind
Interferes with my thoughts
Being lucid ceases to be an option
But I kind of want to get lost in this
I want to see where we go
What will happen
If this works out…..

 
I have a hard time letting go
Just gliding with the clouds
I’m not that kind of person
I like to know what happens
Uncertainty makes me nervous
Being spontaneous is not one of my many attributes
I tend to overthink,
Over analyze,
Imagine what could be
Before it even happens
And I fear that this will stop whatever might occur between us
…

I want to trust you
But you are too much of my type
And I know that type all too well
Or maybe I think I do
Maybe this will be different,
Maybe not
The question is whether or not I will let myself find out
 I’m scared I won’t
And then I’ll be left with the nagging question of “what if”

 
It’s like I am at a crossroad
And I can go in a direction I know very well,
One that I usually take

Or…

I can delve into the unknown
Give myself up,
Explore the undiscovered regions of my life
I’m a big believer in fate and destiny
But sometimes we need to determine our own fate
Take charge of our lives
But is it the right time
Here I am again
Overthinking this…..
 

Diamonds- Rihanna cover

So while I am still working on poetry, I did another cover!..yay. I hope you guys like it

Valerie Amy Winehouse

I think she was/is a phenonomenal artist, and her music really transcends the surface expressions rampant in music today.

Cover of Raggamuffin- Selah Sue

So I figured that if I was going to really have this blog express all that I can be, then I might as well start putting up my videos. Singing is something I do.. because I like it, like writing

Walk

When I look at you I see the past
I ignore what you have become
Pay no mind to the changes
I cling onto what we had.
It was so perfect,
so beautiful
Change hasn't made it ugly,
it just rearranged its beauty.
One I dont understand
One I have chosen to not deal with

But you seem happy with this new position
You have finally found yourself,
while I still search around for the remains of your past identity.
They help me define myself
Such a big part of who I am
Who I was,
Who I want to remain,
and I try to hold on,
I try my best
but time has taken you away from me;
it loosened my grip while I got distracted by the happenings in my life
it led you away.

I have to let you change.
I don't want to,
don't be decieved
the thought of stopping you has crossed my mind.
But I care too much
I want you to discover yourself,
understand your life,
grow as an individual,
and if I am a part of that
I will appreciate it.

I have learnt that I must let it be.
They say if you love something
let it go,
and if it was always yours,
it will come back.
Loving should never involve holding on,
pulling back,
it should be seamlessly moving along
gliding souls,
side by side.
There should be peace
a serenity in our movement.

So I wont fight it
I'll try to enjoy it.
When I hold onto what you used to be,
I ignore what you have become
I miss out on the amazing chages,
the growth,
the beauty in moving forward,
and focus on the pain of being left behind.
But I have changed,
without realizing it
I guess I was so busy .watching you,
that I ignored me.
So now I will let you be,
while I sit and try to understand me.

We don't exist anymore,
at least not in the way I had imagined.
We have become different
and need to find our way back to each other,
both taking steps towards this
not one of us running
while the other's feet drags on the cobblestones of our destiny.

We might not get here at the same time,
our jouneys will surely be different.
If we get here,
when we get here,
I guess we will be what we have always meant to be

See,
I have learnt to accept life.
When it throws me lemons,
I dont make lemonade
I bring out my vodka
remember my experiences
and throw life in the cup
learning to handle problems with past knowledge
while absorbing the new.

So I wish you the best of luck,
I hope you find pure happiness
because this is me letting go.
Walking away,
as I casually glance back to make sure you are still standing.
I will always care about you,
but I will not wait for you to understand your feelings for me.
So I will walk.

thoughts, not actions

We stand
With our hands behind our backs
Mentally tied by traditions
Most of which we don’t believe
But yet we let them cripple us
While we point and laugh at others
“They don’t have culture”
"They lack a sense of religion”
Yet our sanctimonious attitude binds our legs
So we don’t move.


Shame over guilt
More concerned with other people think
As we push our conscience to the side,
Tape its mouth,
And play the loud music of our public identity
Over its muffled screams.

We obsess about affluence,
As we climb our mentally constructed ladders.
We step on others,
Dig our feet into their fingers,
And point and laugh as they fall.

The next day we go to church,
And sing praises to God for blessing us.
He gave us the sturdy feet to stomp on our enemies
The strength to push,
And the will to walk over them if need be.
Oh thank God!


For the others
The need to just be “okay” clings to their identity,
As being better than okay is deemed impossible.
So they lay rest in their mediocre states.
At least we are better than Sudan.


We have so many people surviving,
Never living.
While they stare at the corrupt few
And tell themselves
“my time dey come”
So begins the unending cycle
Everyone waiting for their “time”
With complete disregard for others
Our flawed ideology of this personally exclusive, but universally anticipated concept
Causes some to ask questions
They get antsy
Become impatient
Feel the need to usurp the powers that be
But the real question of why these powers are in existence lays undisturbed
Why do we feel the need to idolize these leaders?
The political,
The spiritual
The cultural.

See,

When we idolize people
We lift up normal humans
Put them on pedestals that we built
Mentally erase their faults
Turn a blind eye to their inconsistences
Yes we are a religious people
But we are constantly being crippled by this trait

If you try to escape
You are condemned to hell

By people that have never even been there,
But have appointed themselves judges
As they step on your ideas,
Make mockery of your beliefs
And ridicule your identity.

In Nigeria,
We are a controlled by few

Somewhat unintelligent
But strikingly devious
They exploit our beliefs
With little respect for humanity
So we fight amongst ourselves
Disregarding the root of our problems


We scowl at nations that dare to speak of our issues
They don’t live in Nigeria
They don’t know us
Who do they think they are?
We are the happiest people in the world
But are we?
Is this consensus, or the opinion of a select few?


We speak of change,
But don’t truly believe
We feel powerless,
Unimportant,
Used,
As we being to see holes in our flawed reality.
We wait for God to come down and change it
So sure He’ll make a quick trip to
Put our leaders in shape
But fail to see the improbability of this occuring

We have become so used to being maltreated

That we expect nothing else
Don’t demand justice
Shy away from confrontation
But yet we cling to faith
There is nothing wrong with believing
But belief without action lackis significance.

Unease

Opened hearts with a sense of unease
the truth is out,
now what?
I quietly wait for your next move
hoping it is to love me,
I fear the worst
anticipate rejection,
and dreaming of bliss.

As I imagine what could be,
I am quick to caution myself
limit my expectations
remind my heart that hurt is an option.

I don't really know what to do,
how to act in this emotional limbo,
I wonder if I should let go....

Should I already start to feel pain?
Prepare myself for the hurt,
is it too soon?
I just want some sort of sign
love me or hurt me.

Emotionally suffocated by the sense of unease,
my confused mind ponders.
I don't know what I expected,
but it wasn't this.
I'm looking for answers
that you don't want to give,
so all I am left with is questions.

My usual solution would be to ignore these feelings,
sweep them under my already stuffed rug;
but they linger in the front of my mind
they cloud my judgement,
overrun my ideas.
Like little parasites,
these questions drain me
latch unto my objectivity,
so every decision I make is based of the notion of us
our relationship,
our pain,
my unending struggle with the idea of who we are,
and your inability to define it.
So I wait.

But for how long,
I cant really say.
My mind has no time limit,
no cut off date.
I am scared,
will I be forever sentenced to this land of uncertainty?
Is that what loving you entails?
Is this my destiny?
Should I wait...

Safe Distance

Untouched memories,
increasing distance.
Fond images of us
that we both remember,
but are too scared to face.

When we talk
there are a lot of things left unsaid.
the nagging silence,
the neglected words,
the avoided emotions.

Like a game of hide and seek
we both wait,
and no one seeks.

Hiding under the facade of friendship
well maybe not a facade,
but a shield,
a barrier between where we are
and where we want to be.

We are friends,
always have been
but a lack of contentment exists
we see it,
we sense it,
we evade it.

We want something more
but who will take the chance,
who will be brave
not me,
not you.

Neither wants rejection
and both crave approval
love,
acceptance,
attention.

The emotional tension
hangs between us,
it disregards the distance
pays no mind to the space
it lingers,
it waits.

Waits for us to acknowledge it
but we wear our masks of unattached disposition.
Like suburban neighbours
we take interest in each others lives,
sometimes feel jealous,
but are quick to feign a lack of attachment,
pretend it is nonexistent
force it to be fictitious.

Cowardice over emotional growth
fear over love
so comfortable in our current situation
we are used to this uninteresting play.
The writers of our own destiny
with hearts on hiatus
as they try to escape the truth,
escape what could be
in exchange for a safe distance from hurt.

Why I don't write

I don't write a lot because I am closed off
Closed off from everyone around me
I shut down my emotions
Pretend they don't exist
Why?
Because I don't want to be weak
To feel less than I am.

Showing emotions pokes holes in my cynical attitude
Baring my somewhat romantic nature
The more human side of me emerges
Pushing away the rigid exterior I fought so hard to project.

Being human-like opens me up to hurt
It lets me feel pain
I don't like pain.

Actually, I detest pain
I don't understand it
I never have.

The deeper the pain
The more destructive it is
Shredding the core fibre of my being
Like a chainsaw on overdrive.

That is why I don't write.

When I write,
I keep it to myself
Like a chronological diary of my every emotion,
Every fear
Every experience
Because I care
Of what people see,
what they think
But I have lost the need to care
To cover myself under the tent of "self-protection"
To hide a nature that defines me

So what if people see the emotions that lurk beneath
They are people just like me
Or maybe unlike me
They feel
They love
They hurt
To feign a lack of these emotions,
is to feign the lack of human-nature.

So maybe I do write,
Sometimes.

Alone

I'm reaching out
But there is no one here but me
As I try to grab on to what I know
Lost in a dark abyss
I contemplate on the life I miss
The life I am used to
Pure joy, unbridled emotions
Intense freedom
Unacknowledged guilt.

But alas,
I spoke to soon
As real life threatens my heaven-like imagination
It reminds me not of the life I imagined,
But the life I lived.

My lack of experience,
Overly cautious nature
I played it too easy
Burdened by subconscious guilt
Lost in personal misery.

Just an outstretched hand,
I wait for it
While I stumble
I trip,
I fall
Over my own mistakes.

Like a collage of bad decisions
My destiny seems bleak
Sometimes a mirage of happiness
That I can't grasp,
Feigns its existence in my grip.

As a lost soul I wander
With directions that take me nowhere
While life throws me curve balls
I try to duck,
But my bruises tell a different story.

So this bruised psyche
This malformed identity
Digs its claws into my notion of reality
My belief in truth.

This journey has been long,
As I usually travel alone
Companions come and go
The useless ones are the most.

The ones that have tried to say
I have pushed away in haste
For fear of hurt
Denial of pain
Or pure misunderstanding of love.

To say the truth,
Some have been good
So good,
It could have been love.

But youth, my stubborn nature
and an insecure heart
Forced me to set them on a different path.

With scattered thoughts
And a lonely mind
A desire to time travel
Oh, a need to change the past
Slithers into my very dreams
As I imagine with could have been.

Continous thought

I'll paint a little picture
Of one of my mistakes
My human mind holds tightly to
the worst I think I've made.

Others exist,
Some you wont believe
But this just takes the cake.

It's about how I lost someone
The only one I ever loved
Because I was too concerned and occupied
With what other people thought.

I could have tried to see it through
But instead I turned my back
Walked away from happiness
And it watched me leave its arms
While I let youth and naivete
Control my every desire.

We rarely ever talk
But I know he has moved on
If wisdom could bring back the past
I'd wisen up the more
.
It's hard to hang with other guys
Because they never compare
So I sell myself short ,
And then feel some remorse
Because to him I'd mean so much more.

Maybe I don't give these guys a chance
My heart has too many shields
Is this a way of punishing myself
For any pain that I made him feel?

Different Souls

See babe I've known you,
for quite a while.

Friends into lovers,
then we grew apart

It was so different,
when you wanted me.

But I do fear,
I gave it up to easily.


How do I explain,
the way you changed.

Paid so much attention,
now you just different.

I miss your love and care,
I must admit.

But I never really loved you,
so my pain isn't deep.


I'd be the one to leave you,
that's what you always said.

Some truth was in that statement,
a damaged sould beyond repair.


I do still think about you
sometimes when I'm bored.

I try to text you,
but some other guy comes along.

Maybe we'll get back together,
but I am usually wrong.

I won't count on our love,
because we are very different souls.

Destined for divergent paths,
As we walk on our lonley roads.