Alone

I'm reaching out
But there is no one here but me
As I try to grab on to what I know
Lost in a dark abyss
I contemplate on the life I miss
The life I am used to
Pure joy, unbridled emotions
Intense freedom
Unacknowledged guilt.

But alas,
I spoke to soon
As real life threatens my heaven-like imagination
It reminds me not of the life I imagined,
But the life I lived.

My lack of experience,
Overly cautious nature
I played it too easy
Burdened by subconscious guilt
Lost in personal misery.

Just an outstretched hand,
I wait for it
While I stumble
I trip,
I fall
Over my own mistakes.

Like a collage of bad decisions
My destiny seems bleak
Sometimes a mirage of happiness
That I can't grasp,
Feigns its existence in my grip.

As a lost soul I wander
With directions that take me nowhere
While life throws me curve balls
I try to duck,
But my bruises tell a different story.

So this bruised psyche
This malformed identity
Digs its claws into my notion of reality
My belief in truth.

This journey has been long,
As I usually travel alone
Companions come and go
The useless ones are the most.

The ones that have tried to say
I have pushed away in haste
For fear of hurt
Denial of pain
Or pure misunderstanding of love.

To say the truth,
Some have been good
So good,
It could have been love.

But youth, my stubborn nature
and an insecure heart
Forced me to set them on a different path.

With scattered thoughts
And a lonely mind
A desire to time travel
Oh, a need to change the past
Slithers into my very dreams
As I imagine with could have been.